The reason I have carefully chosen to randomly message you is because I am hoping to interest you in an exciting competition that I will be hosting in the near future. This competition, which is based on the hit television show “The Bachelor,” will consist of the 12 to 15 of you showing up at a pizzeria or hamburger joint for a group date with me. During this date, I will conduct a series of tests–some brain teasers, a 20-question survey of your sexual habits and history, and a few physical challenges–to see which three lovely ladies get to accompany me back to my mother’s condominium for an evening of erotic exploration (hopefully on the waterbed, although we may have to use my futon in the garage if mom isn’t willing to let us sleep in the master bedroom with her ).
Given the nature of this contest as well as my own straitened circumstances, I’m afraid that the lot of you will have to pool your resources to purchase the pizzas or hamburgers. I believe that 3 large pizzas–meat only, as I’m allergic to the taste of vegetables–at most reputable chains should suffice, though it would be nice to bring mom some leftovers. Yes, that’s the ticket: plan on purchasing four large pizzas, since the leftovers may go a long way toward convincing her to let us have the run of the place (and never mind her comments–which are bound to be incessant–about wanting to be a “fly on the wall” while we
five four conduct our lovemaking).
Although the final schedule of events is dependent on the restaurant we select, here are some games to prepare for:
- Lubed-up underwear ball pit wrestling (this would entail traveling to a Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theatre or a McDonald’s Playland; I will supply the lube, since my sensitive skin will tolerate nothing but the “warm” variety of this product).
- Danny Cater trivia. Questions may include: Who is Danny’s favorite supermodel? How many times has Danny seen Titanic? What is Danny’s steamiest secret sexy fantasy? Questions you needn’t prepare for: When did Danny lose his virginity? How many girlfriends has Danny had? Has Danny ever had untoward thoughts about his mom?
- Bobbing for prizes inside my loose, flame-embossed Jnco jeans. Even though I’ve packed on a few pounds in recent years–all musclegut, I assure you–these things still fit me like a circus tent and can easily accommodate several pairs of grasping, feminine hands. I’ll secrete several cool, collectible items (Looney Tunes Upper Deck baseball cards, POGs, MASK action figures) in my sensual-est folds, and the winner will be the woman who succeeds in withdrawing the most items during a 15-minute period.
- Kissing cousins: In this game, you’ll be required to give the deepest, dirtiest kiss imaginable to the person sitting right next to you. Just like in Jr. High roflmao!
- Bathroom breaks: A few lucky contestants will be chosen for a transgressive “bathroom run” to the men’s room with Bachelor Danny! If anyone asks, we’re just powdering our noses. ;0)
Based on what I’m guessing is in your profiles, you’re as tired of playing games as I am. You’re probably at that stage in your life where you, like me, have grown tired of the drama and just want to let the good times roll. Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say that NO SCRUBS NEED APPLY to this awesome challenge/opportunity of ours. Also, if I somehow didn’t notice that you were in a polyamorous relationship–it seems like every hipster and his FTM/MTF/FTMTFMTF girlfriend on OKCupid is, but this is Match we’re talking about, for crying out loud!–please note that, contrary to my internet browsing history, I am not interested in doing anything with your muscle pup boytoy. Seriously, no homo.
That’s all for now. See you soon!
Mr. Danny Cater
My Own Boss, Self-Employed
Note: Although I referenced “The Bachelor” earlier in this message, I have seen only the season featuring former Southern Cal quarterback Jesse Palmer (what a hottie hunk, lol no homo x200 j/k!). I “Netflixed” it a few weeks ago and just couldn’t get enough. I can’t believe nobody IRL (I pronounce it “eye-are-ell” when I’m saying it in a speech or at a roundtable) has tried anything like this yet!