American Reunion

Ok, SPOILER ALERT! I just got to see a sneak preview the new American Reunion film and it was everything you’d expect from that hilarious crew of aging “teen” actors. If you’ve been surviving off the direct-to-video Band Camp films like me, then AR has arrived just in the (Saint) nick (IS IT ALREADY CHRISTMAS? ‘CAUSE THIS IS LIKE THE GR8EST/GR9EST GIFT EVER!!!) of time.

I don’t want to give away too much of the movie, but here’s how it starts: the Jason Biggs nerdy character (you know, the nerdy one) is up in his bedroom, fucking the brains (can a pie have brains? well, any pie that’s hooking up with J-Biggs is one smart cookie LOL!) out of an apple pie. He’s also got a custard pie on his bare buttocks, and it looks like the pies are “running a train” on him. Anyway, this is clearly intended to be funny as hell, and it definitely is. My only problem with this scene is that there’s no laugh track going in the background (but if you’re in a theater as crowded as mine was, the audience will provide its own laugh track LOL!) to really “sell” how crazy-silly all of this. I haven’t seen anything as wacky and wild as this opening scene since big fat Chris Farley (RIP) did all those pants-splitting high kicks to the tune of “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” in Beverly Hills Ninja (a classic and still one of the best!).

From there, you’re probably wondering how it might get any better. Why didn’t the directors just edit together two hours of this on a loop, right? Well, it’s because they’ve decided to take those wacky hijinks and multiply them by a factor of 98° (“Thank God I Found You” LOL!). In another scene that I vaguely remember, crazy horndog teen Stifler is hanging out with all these girls from some band camp. Each girl says something like, “One time, at band camp…” and then references a different musical instrument. By the time they get to the girl who mentions her didjeridu, you’re in 7th Heaven (starring the lovely Ms. Jessica Biel, I hope!).

If you think I’ve given away the entire film, think again! As great as all of this sounds, there’s a whole lot more in store for you when you spend $22 on the hottest IMAX ticket this side of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. I’ll throw one last spoiler out there: if you’ve been waiting for the Chris Klein “jock” character to bang Stifler’s mom while a pie-crotched Eugene Levy records the whole thing so that he and his nerdy son can watch it at home later that night while using Hostess Fruit Pies™ like Fleshlights™, wait no longer!

It almost goes without saying that American Reunion receives ∞ stars from me. It’s the best thing that’s ever been made, and when you think of all the things that have been made (Billy Madison, Little Nicky, American Pie 2, Doritos Locos Taco), that’s pretty darn amazing.

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