Starbucks: They’re everywhere you want them to be

1. How absurd!

This morning I rode to Starbucks on a horse painted peacock-blue, wearing naught but a boa constrictor coiled around my body, my long Lady Godiva hair obscuring my feminine signifiers.

“I will have a grande chainsaw with extra porcupines!” I announced to the barista.


2. Tough Luck Buddy

I saw a male poodle chained to a bench outside Starbucks. I knew he was male because I saw his wang.

A couple of men ahead of me in line turned at the waist, staring out the window at the male poodle. Tight, glossy white curls covered nearly every inch of him. He had a sort of mini-Afro puff on his head. His ears looked like the shearling earflaps on those faux-Peruvian hats that hipsters wear. My point is, he looked groomed and manicured as hell. He looked like a prissy old lady going to tea. Here was a creature whose very existence was a joke, and he had no clue.

We all assumed that a woman had done that to him, had emasculated and tied him up like that, trained him to stand poised and alert, staring into Starbucks with his tongue lolling out, tensely awaiting her return. Ain’t that just like a dame.

But then this old dude came up and unchained the poodle so he could wander around, sniffing potted pansies while his master drank a latte.

One of the men ahead of me in line went out to greet the poodle (after the man had paid for and obtained his latte, of course). The poodle was so happy for the attention. The man petted the poodle’s Afro-puff head, and the poodle’s tail wagged and wagged.

And we all watched as the poodle’s wiener waved back and forth, like a pendulum, hypnotizing us, and we thought, “Tough luck there, buddy. You’ve got a rough road to hoe. Godspeed.”


3. The Cowboy Crooner of the Herndon, VA (Worldgate Shopping Center) Starbucks

There’s a tear in my caramel-lite frappuccino ‘cuz I’m cryin’ for you, dear.

You are on my lonesome mind.


  1. The Moustache Club of America has arrived on the GMP. Here's what that's all about. — The Good Men Project - 04/06/2012

    […]  We’re hoping to offer a bit of everything:  cultural commentary, sportswriting, comedy, flash fiction, slice-of-life vignettes, and much more.  What links us to the GMP is not so much our subject […]

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