A letter about that new Three Stooges movie

Dear Emily,

I know it has been a long time since we last corresponded, but I finally feel like I have something worthwhile to say:  a new Three Stooges will premiere in the spring.  This film, which combines the directing talents of the Farrelly Brothers with the ham acting of Sean Hayes and Will Sasso, is probably going to knock the socks off filmgoers around the world.  Sasso, who most people would place a distant second to impressionist and all-around yukster Frank Caliendo among fat guys on Mad TV, has long deserved a starring vehicle and–Xmas wishes do come true, Em!–he now has one that’s sure to put him on the map.

Although you were never one for “gross-out” comedy, I really hope that you give The Three Stooges the ol’ college try.  It might not go down like a spoonful of sugar, but I’d lay to dollars to doughnuts that it proves to be the most filling family fare of the year.  The Farrellys didn’t disappoint their fans with wonderful buddy comedies like Stuck on You and I doubt they’re going to start now.

Em, I understand that things didn’t work out between us, but please don’t hold that against the many accomplished performers who have given their lives and their sacred honor to this production.  Of course wish I could be there next to you in the theater so that I could reach down into your peasant blouse and caress your secret soul, but that’s a lot of wishful thinking. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never been more excited about a movie than I am about this one–and that includes all of Jim Varney’s Ernest movies and the entire Moranis oeuvre.

I miss you so much, Em.  Whenever I post one of my faux-suicidal Friendface statuses, where I’m pretending that I’m about to off myself in order to get instant gratification and affirmation from other humans, you’re the person I’d really like to respond.  Alas, you never will, because you defriended me years ago and now all of the info on your profile is private.  In fact, I can’t even find you on  FF when I run a search using your e-mail address.  I’ve heard of playing hard to get, but that is straight-up ridonkulous (lol)!

Anyway, Em, go and see The Three Stooges.  Each time you chortle when someone gets nailed in the crotch or giggle when a lobster pinches a woman’s fulsome 38C breasts, don’t be afraid to imagine that I’m right beside you, sweating profusely and treasuring every moment of our special evening together.

Best wishes for a great 201X,


2 Responses to “A letter about that new Three Stooges movie”

  1. Dear Oscar,

    I read one of your associate’s articles on The Pitt News, the one about HeroesCon. There was a link to this Moustache Club of yours, so I had to stop by and say hello. I might be going to ComiCon this year. First. Time. Ever. Wish me luck!

    The Friendface thing was not personal. I deleted my account—which is why no search will retrieve my profile—but am thinking of resurrecting it. We’ll see. The Interwebs gets to me, especially the FF—all those pictures of people’s bedrooms and family parties create the illusion that you’re actually friends with people who wouldn’t give you the time of day.

    I have no excuse for being out of touch for so long; however, I do have an explanation. I got sick. Bedridden. Like our old friend Shatzy Shell. For months I couldn’t walk. Don’t worry, I’m back on my feet and scouring through all the medical databases I can access through my university’s library. I’ve come across some hopeful research and the new no-grains all-grass diet seems to be helping. Still, I’m easily fatigued and achy. That’s another reason I don’t come here as often as I should: screens give me headaches. I save my brightness quota for the movies. I promise to watch The Three Stooges and think of you. I often think of you when I see a great movie or read an idem comic. How did you like Hugo?

    Missing you,

  2. Well well well.

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